LEAVING

I figured since I've decided to come out about this topic with my roommate and most of my friends, I should blog about it to get it all out there. Air out the dirty laundry... which is non-existant, to be completely honest, but I was having trouble finding the right cliche to properly describe my feelings right now.

I'm transferring after this semester. When I first made this decision I asked my mom what I should tell people. I was pretty upset at the time, so in attempts to cheer me up she said, "Tell them they've gotten rid of your major, and you can't bear to attend a school that no longer endorses Pole Dancing as a college degree." She squeezed a couple of giggles out of me, but I still had no idea what to tell people. So we brainstormed. It all seemed so... forced. I'm not leaving MSU because I can't afford it. I'm not leaving MSU because I haven't made friends. I'm not leaving MSU because I hate riding the bus or walking twenty minutes to a get to a class. I'm leaving MSU because I'm unhappy.

And I was embarrassed. I felt like a failure, and I didn't want to admit defeat. So I asked myself, "Admit defeat from what?" "Failed what?" Nothing. I was not defeated; I did not fail. Wanting to be close to home shouldn't embarrass me. Wanting to try out different classes without the anxiety of competing for attention with 299 other students in my class is not defeat.

Almost five months ago I preached to my entire graduating class, and hundreds in the stands at my high school graduation that now is out time to make mistakes and change our minds.

"Changing your mind," I said, "does not exemplify failure."

I've changed my mind, and I'm okay with it. I want to go to a school surrounded by tall buildings. I want to be completely enveloped in the city I'm in. I want to learn about things I want to learn about. I want to be encouraged by everyone, and prove the non-believers that I can succeed. I'm going to learn how to control my sensitivity. I think I'm going to move somewhere; a place where I don't know anyone... it will be scary, and I will probably be lonely for a while. But I'll be okay. I want to hang glide on a Dorito off Sears Tower.

So I know why I'm leaving MSU. I don't like it here. We don't fit together, Sparty and I. We gave it a good run, put a lot into our relationship, but we don't love each other. So we're breaking up.

That is all I have to say about this.