CAB

I realize that I neglected some posts yesterday and Thursday. Every once in a while something, or someone takes priority over the blog... over my entire life, I guess.

Loss has been the most difficult thing for me to understand and deal with in my life. The unanswered questions that surround death drive me crazy. I just want to know why these things happen. I don't understand. To some extent I don't even really know how to write about it because I don't really know what to say. I'm at a total loss for words... which is rare; I always have something to say.

A year ago, I lost one of my best friends. It's amazing what loss does to a person, relationships, and a community. No one really knows how to handle death, and yet it envelops us anyway. You can try to drown in it alcohol, suffocate it in smoke, or just sit with it in a room... but it always seems to win. It takes the blame for our actions, and provokes us to do things we'd rather not. From my experience, death brings out the worst in most people.

I've been trying to meet death halfway since last December, but he is a tough negotiator. I've lost faith, friends, and the majority of my strength. They say what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, so why do I feel so weak? My concentration is broken, my trust is gone; the only things I have left are my thoughts, and God knows I do not sit well with those.

But then there are days when everything seems to be okay. Like today. The sun might not be shining; there may be snow on the ground, but I feel okay. Everything will be okay.

I am blessed. I am thankful. I am here.

I love you, C.